No matter how hard I try to stay away from New Years resolutions, something about the passing of one year and the beginning of a new one always seems to infiltrate my mind with pauses of reflection, a mental tally of my life over the past year and where I would like it to be at this time next year. I guess that’s not all bad.
I’m a Pisces and “old soul” so to speak so most of my resolutions are internal, spiritual ones. Nothing I can physically measure. Of course I want to improve on the age old quests to manage my finances better, take better care of my health, grow my business, decrease my ecological footprint etc, but these are things I have been working on for years and will continue to be striving for.
This year my goals are internal ones:
I want to be kinder to my children. I seem to have this gift with others. I think I am compassionate, empathetic, encouraging but I guiltily admit that I have some short comings when it comes to dealing with my own. I am so proud of my boys. They are my heart, but too often instead of reaching out and touching their hand and telling them how much I love them, I criticize their choices, or offer my unsolicited advice. I have three boys and one unofficial adopted son. There ages are 20, 18,17 and 16. It’s a weird transition for me to move from constantly parenting to stepping back and allowing them to be on their own. I have to let go of the directions that I thought their lives should take. I have to trust that God will direct their paths, not me. This year I want to step back, offer my love and encouragement without judgment or criticism
This year I want to learn to relax. From the outside it may seem that I do, but my slow periods are usually only because I am frozen with anxiety to the point where I “shut down” I have been diagnosed with GAD ( Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I have spent years off and on in therapy, on medications but as things got better, I forgot the relaxation techniques. I quit my prescriptions. I fell back into the strangely comfortable pattern of living in a constant state of anxiety. I have already consulted a doctor about the issue. (I haven’t done that in almost 5 years) I am going to fight the urge to not go back, to give up and instead will continue to work taming this demon. I will learn not to sweat the small stuff and I will remember that most of it is small stuff.
I will learn to play! This should be the fun part and yet it’s always been difficult for me. It was an assignment I had 10 years ago with a therapist whose opinion I really respected. I have, as I admitted, always been an old soul. I wasn’t playful as a child. I never really learned how to relax and have fun. Wow, I sound like such a wonderful person to be around huh? For those of you who know me, you may not even know. I have learned to over compensate my fear of “letting go” with a pretty good disguise. I have utilized my “must be in control” mentality, to learn how to work a crowd, say the right things, smile at the right times, make the appropriate jokes but the truth is underneath, it is all very calculated. This year I am going to find that inner child and let her loose. I’m not going to worry about making a fool of myself. I’m not going to worry that people might not accept me or judge me harshly. As a matter of fact I’m going to do the opposite of what my brain usually does and assume the best!
The mental image I keep having is of the Laughing Buddha. I assume he’s a deep thinker, keenly aware of the world and it’s trials and yet he is smiling. A true inner joy that can not be contained as he pours out his laughter to no one in particular.
I know you have probably seen this quote before but while writing this post it came to my mind and I thought “ Yes, exactly. This will be my New Year’s resolution”:
“Dance like no one is watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like no one is listening,
Live like it’s heaven on earth.”
Good luck letting go of worrying about what other people think. Everyone worries (to varying degrees) and it is a hard habit to let go of. If it makes you feel better, after getting to know you I think I can safely say that your friends adore you and that showing off your “dorky” side will only make them love you more.
Yes! Let’s play!
Making a fool of yourself is not as easy as it seems
Thanks all! This whole “play” thing is a little difficult. They don’t write instruction books on how to properly do it. Leave it to me to want to learn how to “let loose” correctly.
You could always come run and play in the mud with meeeeeee!
No thanks! I read your blog. I want my play to equal fun, not pain.
Oh, welcome back from the holidays Venus! I’m sorry I haven’t been by before now….
I like your resolutions…alot! And my heart goes out to you regarding your boys. Both of my kids still live with me. I talk on my blog about my daughter, but it’s actually my son that has me most – perplexed – these days. He’s almost 23…maybe I’ll write about him soon, and what I’m going through.
But boy oh boy. Mothering boys-who-are-men (especially when they are essentially fatherless, like mine is) is hard. Even harder than raising a girl at times. Because for all the “mothering” I’ve been able to give him, even as the authoritarian figure, there’s always one thing I couldn’t really teach him:
How to be a man.
And at this age, there is so much he doesn’t want to share with me… (sighing here)
ANYWAY, your desire to get ahold of the GAD is awesome. I pray that you’re feeling much less anxious really soon!
Someone needs to write and instruction manual for mothers on raising boys-who-are-men! It’s difficult to say the least. At least we periodically get glimpses of them as the wonderful children we fell in love with and if were lucky, every so often a vision of the men they will soon become. It’s that in between stuff that is maddening!