Angry

For the third time in two years my granddaughter’s mother has decided that she doesn’t want to be a mom. My 21 year old son has moved back in with his daughter’s ages 2 and 6 months. As you can imagine, it a whole mess of emotions for everyone involved.

I’ve never known what to do with anger. I’m not good at it. I don’t like it. I was told by a therapist years ago that anger turned inwards becomes depression but I still have trouble expressing it. That being said I am so angry, so uncontrollably, incredibly angry at the circumstances that my grandchildren have been put into that I can barely breath.  I want to physically put a certain someones head through a wall and knock some sense into her incredibly selfish little pea brain! But that would benefit no one except me, so while pea brain is out partying with her friends, I am up at 3am worrying, praying, preparing to do whatever it takes to help these girls hold onto some sense of self esteem in the wake of their abandonment. I’m the one struggling to answer a two year old’s question “Where’s Mommy at?” for the hundredth time. Praying that our love can somehow help ease the pain of a child who’s mother is unable to attach. Knowing it’s not that easy.

I am angry at my son, who decided at 18 that he was in love with a girl he’d known a week. Loved her so much that when we refused to let her move in with us, he quit school, gave up his internship to Cerner, gave up his family and friends and moved into a seedy hotel.  Troy and I had spent years going to monthly IEP meetings, working hard to help him overcome his learning disabilities and diagnosis of ADD to ensure his success in life. 18 years of work down the drain.  And I am angry that while we are in “Crisis Mode” he is still making immature  selfish decisions that can adversely effect his daughters.

This anger is so painful and raw. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m fighting to hold it in but it leaks out through hot tears soaking into my pillow in the middle of the night. IT’S NOT FAIR! There I said it. Not fair to me, not fair to Troy and not fair to those precious little girls.

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