Goodbyes…

Yesterday I was told that you had passed. After all these years of looking for you, I found you too late.
I  hope that you now know all the things I wanted to tell you but never got the chance. You literally changed my life without even knowing it.  After our last meeting, 23 years ago, I went home and cried. I sat in the basement and prayed for you. I was at a loss of how to minister to you and in my ignorance I cried out to God “What are you trying to teach Jeff through me?” over and over – then it happened, the shell that had been built around me cracked and I saw the light seep into my soul and heard the still quiet voice say “I am trying to teach you through Jeff.” That moment changed my life. It started me on a journey of relearning God.
I always thought that I would see you again, give you a giant hug and tell you how much my life changed because of you. I wanted to say I was sorry and I wanted it to be in person.  I hope that your life was full of love and that you were surrounded in peace as you passed on to the next one. I love you my friend and am a better person for knowing you.

Random thought for the day

It’s easy for me to keep my childlike sense of wonder because it seems I am being reborn every few years…

I want to grow young with you

I want to grow young with you.
Shed these aged shells that have hardened over the years
and feel the wetness of the morning grass on our naked skin.
I want to grow young with you.
Laughing from deep inside our bellies,
jumping from couch to couch to keep from falling into the molten pit of bubbling lava.
I want to grow young with you.
Hiding from the world in our tent made with sheets and kitchen chairs,
whispering secrets that only universe and us are meant to know.
I want to grow young with you.
Dipping our hands into shades of vibrant colors,
using our fingers to paint uninhibitedly in swirls and waves.
I want to dance and twirl on my tippy toes and look for rolly pollies under moss covered rocks.
I want to sleep under the stars  and be amazed at the universe but oblivious to the world.
I want to lose the knowledge of minutes, hours, years…
I want to grow young with you.

And another one. Early 2012

http://btgats.wordpress.com/

One I started earlier this year on a different site.

Ok, everyone caught up. I’ll try to keep them all in one place for a while.

Live Journal Blog 2005-2007

http://mrstvh.wordpress.com/

I always start blogging and then lose interest, only to lose my passwords and start all over. I’m not sure how to incorporate them all, so in an attempt to have everything in on place. Here is the link to my first blog, originally on Live Journal.

Beloved let us love one another…

“I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.” Gandhi

I spent the majority of my life (13-30) deeply rooted in a fundamentalist evangelical christian church. As I have mentioned before, when I left that church it was a time for me to relearn God. Truthfully I was scared to death to question or explore other religions, because I had grown up with fear-based teachings. A vengeful God, who demanded unconditional, unquestioning, love and respect. Don’t dare question or you will end up in the fiery pits of hell. I loved him in a Stockholm Syndrome fashion. as a hostage loves the captor who gives and takes away life.

The journey I have taken could fill a book and I won’t delve into it in this post, but suffice to say I have relearned a God that is love. Pure, unfailing, unwavering love. I read the bible in a different light now. I no longer claim to know all the answers. But when I question, I don’t seek out pastors, or theologies – I go to the source, the spirit that is within me (within all of us) and ask for guidance

What spurred this post is the resent backlash, I’ve heard from conservative radio hosts that has made it’s way into the views of people that I know who claim to be Christians. I have actually heard these people condemn the relief efforts we are giving to Haiti. I know, my jaw is still on the ground. Is it politics? Prejudiced? Unfortunately in this day and age, I think the two go hand in hand.

It’s heartbreaking to me, because I am a believer and this type of behavior makes the beautiful truths that I try to live by polluted. We can no longer see God’s truths because of the Christians. Shouldn’t the Christian (Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, hell, just human) response be “I see a brother in need and I will reach out to him”? I know that for the majority of us this is the case. But this small minority has really disturbed me. As Martin Luther King Jr said “Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

Ok, thanks for letting me vent. I will end this blog with one final quote:

1st John 4:7&8
Dear friends, let us continually love one another, because love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born from God and knows God. The person who does not love does not know God, because God is love

Trying it again

I haven’t been on my blog for months, but had a little extra time today and clicked the Between the Gutter and the Stars link. Voila! I seemed to have lost a bunch of pictures and I’m too lazy to go back and fix the links, but I am compelled to start writing again. Writing is not really my forte, but when I blog it seems to be a good exercise for me. I start paying attention to the smallest details around me, instead of letting the details of my day just pass by in blur of gray.
I only have one client left in my Personal Chef business. I said goodbye to my other clients to take a position as the Operations manager for a small bistro in the city. The work is tiring and the pay is terrible but I am learning a lot, so I’m grateful for the opportunity. I’m still trying to figure out how to balance a 60+ hour work week and my personal life. I am failing miserable at the moment, but I’m sure there is a way. If I was still in my twenties or maybe even my thirties, maybe I would have the energy, but this 42 year old body is pretty worn out. What was I thinking, leaving my nice corporate job with it’s three weeks of paid vacation, 401K and sick days to “pursue my passions”?
I did make the most of my day off though. We went thrifting up North and stopped into Hay’s to try the burgers we’ve heard so much about. The chocolate malt was very good…probably the best I’ve ever had but the counter’s response to my request for one, made me enjoy it a little less. When I ordered a small chocolate malt with my burger the guy said ” I’ll try. I don’t really have the time right now to make one” and walked off. Umm, OK. It did make it’s way to my table but geeze, sorry to have put you out. Burgers – nothing special. Fries – YUCK. Price – way too high. We won’t be back.
Tonight we’re heading to Pho 97 with Toast, Mason and Kelly. I’ve never been there either, but I’m looking forward to it. At least the company will be good!